


Enigma Tales

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [24]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, For Two Men who Talk so Much they’re great at avoiding what’s important, Introspection, Lack of Communication, Miscommunication, POV Julian Bashir, Possibly Emotional Manipulation, Self-Esteem Issues, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 21:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17373209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian questions what Garak wants with him and if he can ever be the man Garak seemingly wants. Garak fails to find a soothing answer.





	Enigma Tales

  Julian lets himself have exactly 3 minutes and 37 seconds of exhilaration and relief, grinning like an idiot while he listens to the sound of sheets spreading out on top of each other, silk and velvet rustling against each other. Julian imagines a future of spending the few lazy mornings they both have in bed, legs entangled together and arguing about the latest novel they’ve read or play they’ve seen. He can see the rows of plants Garak would keep in the port holes, shades of crimson and heliotrope brightening the room, taste the cardassian desserts he’d learned to make for Garak, even if they’re far too rich for him.

 Then reality sets in. Garak broke up with him three weeks ago after about as much time together. And now he’s trying to come back like the past three weeks never happened. It’s romantic but it’s also terribly cruel, and Julian has no idea which to lean toward. Julian takes a few stumbling steps toward Garak, reaching his right hand out toward him but not quite touching his shoulder. “Garak, why are you doing this?”

 “Moving in? I believe I already explained that, my dear.” Garak tells him as he looks up from the bed, sheets finally lined up to his exacting standards. Julian moves toward him, reaching a hand up to carefully brush against Garak’s shoulder. Julian’s careful to avoid any of the scales along his neck, because he doesn’t mean for this conversation to be flirtatious. Not yet anyway.

 “I’m not going to change, you know.” Julian warns him when Garak brings a hand up to rest on Julian’s opposite shoulder, hands flagrantly sliding down the collar of his his uniform. Julian carefully takes a step back without letting go of Garak’s shoulder, skin free of Garak’s hand for a moment. “I’m not.”

Garak raises an eye ridge and lets out a rough laugh, one hand brushing along the edge of the top sheet while the other comes up to cup Julian’s jaw. Garak brushes his thumb along the corner of Julian’s lips and Julian shivers. “We’ve been down that road before, or are you forgetting that truth serum you downed by mistake in Risa?”

 “That isn’t the same.” Julian lets out a low groan as he presses his own hand over Garak’s wrist, carefully bringing down Garak’s hand until it rests by his side. Of course. Garak thinks this is Julian being too compassionate, too arrogant and soft to understand the true consequences his actions could have wrought upon the Alpha quadrant.

 That’s only furthered when Garak makes a clucking sound with the tip of his tongue. He tilts his head to the right, gaze careful and piercing as though he can see parts of Julian that Julian can’t. “I think it’s precisely the same, my dear.”

 “I was willing to abandon saving the Cardassian fleet in the war with the Klingon to save a few dozen casualties, and that was long before this war.” Julian tells him plainly, laying as many of his cards as he can between them. He may be an idealist, but he is not a child and he will choose his values first as often as Garak will Cardassia.

 Julian doesn’t look away from Garak’s eyes as he watches the emotions flicker across his face, a momentary shock that quickly gives way to indignation and resentment, a touch of betrayal. That slowly gives way to calculations, Garak’s thoughts moving too quickly for Julian to even begin to read them in his gaze. He settles on something disappointed but understanding, gaze gently chastising. “The fact that said fleet was led by Dukat is at least something of a comfort.”

 “So if you’re here to save me from some imaginary crisis of the soul or from my own arrogance, you can go. Miles had it covered.” Julian snaps as he crosses his arms and takes a few steps back until he’s out of the bedroom, voice coming out more venomous than he intended.

 But he can’t help it when he sees that familiar, chiding bent to Garak’s eyes, the sign that Julian’s once again proven to be _disappointment_ to someone.

 “You’re still upset with me.” Garak’s voice is careful, so quiet that Julian wouldn’t think he was meant to hear him if it wasn’t Garak standing in front of him. Garak raises his left eye ridge, tilting his head a bit to the right so Julian can see the edge of his neck ridges sticking out over the collar of his shirt.

 They’re a pale grey today and look a bit loose, as though Julian could pull them off one by one and let something new grow underneath.

 But Julian knows that’s not true. Garak is who he who is, harshness and sentimental all at once, always true to himself even as he spins so many lies not even Julian can keep up entirely. Julian lets out a scoff, crossing his arms as he takes a few steps away from Garak, shooting a pointed glare toward the lampshade because he can’t quite bring himself to face Garak’s eyes. Not yet. “Yes, playing with someone’s emotions for weeks on end tends to have that result.”

 Garak winces almost imperceptibly, ridges lowering an eighth of an inch and hands tightening just a hair. Garak smiles at him in a way that borders on contrite, crooked and slight. Julian swallows tightly, counting the seconds that pass without Garak saying anything. “I didn’t come here just for that.”

 “Then why are you here?” Julian snaps, voice coming out tight and a little higher than he strictly likes. Julian flexes his hands a few times, nerves building in his stomach and twisting around his spine. A part of Julian wishes he wasn’t the type of person who had to analyze and question everything, who could just let go and accept that Garak is here again and wants him. But he can’t. Not with Garak. Julian needs something concrete and not theoretical for once.

 “I don’t think our story is over yet, Julian.” Garak’s voice is soft, almost pleading as he meets Julian’s wary gaze with a quietly hopeful one of his own. How strange that for once it’s Garak and not Julian who doesn’t know how fully his words have damned this fragile thing between them. And all with one simple word that was the thing that started their entire relationship. Stories.

 Garak, for all his cynicism and pragmatism, is at heart a romantic. Julian is not and never will be. Garak loves Cardassia first and stories and second, beautifully rewriting history and his own life into enigma tales and epics that have enraptured Julian their entire friendship. He just never considered he might be part of those stories.

 He can see it now all so clearly, practically hear the different versions of himself Garak’s created over the years. The arrogantly naive young ingenue Garak seduced without so much as touching him. The compassionate doctor who forgave his sins without ever asking what they were. Then he became the moralistic Starfleet officer who abandoned Garak because he didn’t like who he was around him. He supposes his most recent character has been the tragic waif, a tortured idealist saved by Garak’s devotion and patience.

 The revelation that he’s the type of man to surrender in order to save as many lives as possible complicates that. Garak will have to find yet another role for him, for his careful, clean narrative that preserves the things about Julian he’s romanticized without outright denying reality. Julian has no doubt he’ll manage. Garak’s one of the most creative people he’s ever met and no one’s a better liar.

 Julian wonders if he came here because he thought this time he might even be able to rewrite Julian into someone he could take back to Cardassia with him. Someone who could be a part of his narrative to the end of it. Julian’s wants that, wants to be the person Garak wishes he were. But he can’t be and he knows eventually Garak will realize that.

 And what happens when all the things about Julian that Garak romanticizes vanish over time? What happens when the wide-eyed idealism and naivety fade, when the compassion that’s barely there to begin with burns out as the dregs of war carry on? All that will be left are things that Garak hates about him.

 Annoying, smug, sanctimonious. None of those things will ever change about him, not entirely. And Julian doesn’t want a life where everyone who claims to care about him constantly throws his flaws in face, either in bursts of anger or sharp comments that stab at Julian a little more each time they happen.

 Julian may hate himself sometimes, but he’s not willing to spend the rest of his life watching Garak learn to hate him when stories finally fail him. Julian thinks he deserves more than that at least.

 Julian takes a few deep breaths and forces his hands to stop shaking, spine stiff as he takes a few careful steps toward his door. He needs to get out of here before he capitulates and asks Garak for things he can’t give or offers things he isn’t. Julian’s words are short and said so quickly they almost blend together. “I’m going to sleep in my office tonight so you can move all of your things back.”

 Julian listens to the sound of Garak’s heavy soles boots pressing against his metal floor, gait confident and sure in a way Julian’s always admired. Julian can’t quite resist the urge to glance back at the other man, to see the confusion in his gaze or melt a little at the way his voice wavers. “Julian -“

 “I fear I’m not the hero you wanted me to be, Garak.” Julian cuts him off with a tight smile as he crosses the doorway. He walks toward the infirmary on autopilot, not processing any of the sights or sounds around him. Julian knows if he stays and listens he’ll believe whatever Garak tells him, or want to believe it enough that it’s almost the same thing.

 Julian won’t be part of a narrative he has no part in shaping.  

**Author's Note:**

> A: I’m honestly proud of myself for not making either a cheesy Hamilton reference nor making the summary “Julian would very much like to be excluded from this narrative”. 
> 
> B: This chapter is either the last chapter or there will be about another 6-10 after it, just so everyone who’s reading knows where this series stands. 
> 
> I’ve admittedly struggled with how I think Garak feels about Julian in canon (though it is suffice to say also not exactly Julian’s conclusion here) and Julian’s General lovability in show. I would be thrilled to talk about those two things if anyone wants to (Full disclosure: I’m 27 and would prefer to only talk to people over 21 and I have not read and do not take as canon any of the Beta books including ASIT). I don’t have any social media but this, but I can always make a temporary tumblr/whatever the cool kids use now account. 
> 
> C: As always, let me know if you have any questions/comments/concerns! :)


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